Saturday, December 17, 2005

How To Dress Like A Native


If you come to visit Florida, you will probably want to blend in with the natives. This will allow you to be taken seriously in conversations with real Floridians. Here are some helpful fashion tips so you can be like us.

1) First, you will want to visit one of our finer clothiers. Just look for signs advertising pink flamingoes, panama hats, and flowered shirts.

2) Upon entering the clothier, check to be sure they carry grass skirts. Do this immediately as this is a clear sign that you are in a quality native store.

3) Our sun is intense. You will need good sunglasses to protect your eyes. In the picture Katie is wearing the typical native Floridian sunglasses. I have a pair just like that for fishing.

4) A lot of people think Lei's are Hawaiian, but we Florida natives know they were invented here in Florida. We wear them instead of ties, so if you are coming down for a big business deal, be sure to leave your tie at home and wear a bright lei to the meeting.

5) Hats. Leave your ball cap at home. A ball cap screams, " I just moved here from Brooklyn!" A good straw hat to shield you from the sun is what's needed. One with lots of stringy, flingy, straw strands sticking out will channel our heavy rains off of you and onto the person next to you.
The hat can be worn canted up as Katie is demonstrating or at a rakish tilt as Emma prefers.

6) A few other tips not pictured above would include sandals with socks. Nothing says, "I'm from around here", like sandals and sock covered feet.
The bright, flowery "Florida (not Hawaiian, we invented these too) Shirt" is mandatory any time the temps are above 70, which is most of the time.
Last, but not least, on your first day here, go outside and just fry yourself silly in the sun. Skip the sunscreen. When done correctly you should be a shade of pink between boiled shrimp and steamed lobster.

There you go. All you need to be one of us during your visit.

...Just don't forget to go home.

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swamp4me said...

LOL...the only things you left out were the "How to Speak Southern" book and the mandatory plastic alligator :)

Floridacracker said...

PLASTIC? I like to carry the real thing...

swamp4me said...

...but you would look like a tourist if you carried a real one :p

Floridacracker said...

...or if it were carrying me!

Rexroth's Daughter said...

Your daughters are so wonderful for posing in their Florida garb for us. Thank them profusely.

Floridacracker said...

Oh RD,
If you only knew how much they love to pose, dress silly, etc. It was their pleasure to do so for you. I'll pass along your kind thanks tho.

Thunder Dave said...

Too funny! You know ever since I left FL I've never been able to wear shoes, or socks, when I'm at home. Even in mid winter!

Floridacracker said...

We saved a spot for y'all.