Monday, April 01, 2013


Feral Cat Solution May Depend On NanoTechnology


Scientists at Northern Sylvester University announced on Monday that they may have found a solution to the devastation of native bird, reptile, and small mammal populations caused by the domestic cat. Feral cats are what most people commonly call "stray cats". Their populations are growing in the United States and recent studies show they are having a disastrous effect on bird and small animal populations.

A recent study showed " ... that predators were responsible for nearly 80 percent of the bird deaths, and nearly half of those predators were domestic cats."

A study by the Smithsonian estimates that the number of birds killed by domestic cats may be over a billion per year. The news is even worse for small wild mammals. Cats may kill over 20 billion of their furry cousins.

Dr. Cheksawa Putitatitus an independent researcher in the field of nano (ultra microscopic) technologies AND an avid bird watcher, thinks he has a solution to part of the problem.

"We don't want to take away anyone's pet cat. I have a cat myself," Dr. Putitatius explained in a video conference. "I have a bell on my cat and it is never outside unsupervised. As a result, my cat has almost no opportunity to hunt our native wildlife."

He went on:

"Dog owners have had to control and manage their pets for decades, but cat owners, like myself, have gotten off with little or no restrictions. Every time I hear a "cat crazy" (sic) say something like, 'Oh, it's just how cats are, they can't be controlled" ... why, I want to konk them on the head with a bucket of dead quail, endangered beach mice, and songbird bodies."

Dr. Putitatius explained his plan to deal with the feral (stray) cat side of the problem.
" I call it FCAT, an acronymn for "Feral Cat Autonomous Terminator". The FCAT consists of millions of nanobots, each smaller than a red blood cell. These tiny autonomous robotic particles can be programmed to only attack the domestic cat ... in this case feral (stray) ones.

According to Dr. Putitatius, "The FCAT nanobots can be applied as an aerosol dust. They will lie dormant until a domestic cat makes physical contact with the FCAT. The programming prevents the FCAT nanobots from activating on any species besides Felis cattus, the domestic cat. The bot recognizes the unique DNA sequence of domestic cats and will not affect wild bobcats or panthers. Once ingested by a feral cat through grooming or contact with other FCAT dusted cats, the tiny nano bots go to work in the brain of the cat."

"Attracted to bio-electric brain signals in the cat, my nanobots travel through the blood stream to the feral cat's brain where they begin severing neuron connections causing the cat to fall into a deep sleep. When the nanobots detect the reduced brain activity of this deep sleep condition, they activate stage two and disrupt the autonomic nervous system of the cat. Heartbeat and respiration cease at that point."

The result, according to Dr. Putitatius is " The cat goes into a deep,peaceful sleep and never wakes up. It is the most humane and peaceful way to control these destructive animals."

But, what about your personal well cared for kitty you might ask? The good doctor has a solution for that also.

"Get a dog!" He laughs. "No, seriously, we have dealt with that problem by incorporating a chemical marker into required cat vaccines. The FCAT nanobots will not activate if that chemical, called Tomnjerrithalien, is present in the body of a cat."

"A conscientious cat owner should never have to worry about their cat being affected by contact with  FCAT nanobot dust."

According to trial runs that Dr.Putitatius conducted on a series of feral cat infested dredge spoil islands in the intracoastal waterway along Florida's east coast, the results of FCAT were astounding. Feral cat populations on the islands dropped from an average of 100 cats to zero cats after 6 months. Within  a year, the small mammal and nesting native bird populations on those islands soared.

"It was incredible" Dr. Putitatius said as he stroked his own, collared and belled cat "Rover."

"The islands transformed from barren wastelands populated by scrawny, starving feral cats with little wildlife, to cat free Edens alive with bird, reptile, and mammal life. Even the plants benefited as songbirds repopulated the formerly scrubby islands, they brought fruit and nut seeds in their droppings. Everything about the islands improved."

The doctor admits there are challenges to overcome before FCAT can be used on a large scale, much of the opposition comes from cat lovers ("Cat Crazies" according to the Doctor.).

"Oh I get all kinds of hate emails", he says, "and you should read some of the vitriol in my Tweety account. I'm not giving up though, this works, it's humane, and we have to do something before Rachel Carson's Silent Spring happens ... not because of the pesticides she feared, but because of domestic cats."


Anonymous said...

Will this still be true on April 2nd? ;-)

robin andrea said...

That's a very good and funny idea. If only...

Ericka said...

at one point, i was in an online forum for cat people. i left when i discovered how crazy some of them were. one woman, living in hawaii, was perfectly serious when she told me that HER precious kitty would never hurt the birdies and only killed bugs in its many outside adventures. i love my cats, but they are absolutely not allowed outside ever.

threecollie said...

FCAT.....brilliant choice of names.

Anonymous said...

Hi FC,

Ditto what Anonymous said.


jbrunk said...

FCAT? ... It does give one paws.

cinbad122 said...

Very funny you cat hater!

edifice rex said...

Dr. Putitatius? I guess his first name is Sylvester? lol!

Rick said...

Launch this now !

kevin said...

I don't know if it's nano technology but .22 slug is pretty small. It works every time with very little collateral damage.