Sunday, July 22, 2007

Paint Sinner

I sat down next to the screen and from the other side, a voice spoke to me.
"Hello, my son"
I stared at my feet and spoke, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What is the nature of your sins, my son?"
"I've been painting the kitchen ... and I've done things ... bad things Father."
"Go on." came the calm voice.
"I left the tape on through the prime coat and the two finish coats, even tho I know the commandments say, 'Thou shalt not be slothful and fail to untape and retape', I knowingly violated the word and some of the paint came off with the tape. Oh, I scored it with a knife ...I know that's not right, but I did it Father, I did it knowingly!!"
"Is that all my son?"
" No ... I ... I ... I didn't prime the tiny laundry room. No clean white canvas to apply the finish coat like the adjoining kitchen ... I was tired, it's a small, small room, ... I thought 'who looks in a laundry room?' ... and the old coat was a light blue, not white, but it looked easy to cover."
Now from behind the screen, I heard a small gasp.
"I see." said the quiet calm voice, although now there was a sterner tone to it.
"It was hell in there Father. The finish coat didn't stick as well as on primer, I painted and repainted. The room is so small, the washer and dryer fill the space ... I was painting like a contortionist."
"My son, you should ..." he began, but I interrupted him.
"One last thing Father, ... about the wall behind the fridge."
"YOU DIDN'T!" he shrieked.
"No, but I wanted to Father, I wanted,, I LUSTED to NOT paint behind the fridge, BECAUSE WHO WOULD KNOW?
"So, you did paint behind the fridge?"
"Yes, but still, in my mind I wanted to skip it, thinking no one would know. I lusted in my mind Father to not paint a hidden area. Didn't Jimmy Carter say that was the same thing as ..."
From behind the screen, I heard a sigh of relief.
"Life is full of temptations, my son. You faced that one successfully, even though the paint sloth demons tried to win you to the dark side of the fridge."
"Will I be okay?"
"Yes, my son. For your penance, you should wash your rollers out thoroughly 10 times instead of throwing them away. You should use Holy water to do this."
"Thank you Father. Great idea by the way, putting these confessionals in Home Depot for us remodelers. Now where do I find the Holy water?"
From behind the window screen display, the voice said,
"This aisle is Window's and Doors, Holy water's on aisle 6, Plumbing and Fixtures."


Hurricane Teen said...

It's good to hear you won at least one battle against your painter's sloth.

Laura said...

I do believe the good FC hath been inhaling too many paint fumes.

Clearly, there is no Lord of the Paint, although I've heard there exists a few religious paint zealots who refer to him as Sherwin Williams.

(Ok, I slay myself, I've been inhaling primer all weekend...)

Famous last words:

"It's only paint."

"You can paint over it"

Good luck with that tape issue. Nothing more frustrating than that one!

back to work!

Anonymous said...

I think the good news buried in there is that you've finished painting the kitchen?

By the way, did you notice that your post brought forth a herd of ads from painters via Google's Ad Words? Perhaps there's another message from you-know-who in there ....

robin andrea said...

You made me laugh out loud, a very good thing on a Sunday morning. If you wash those rollers ten times in holy water, you know what you get, don't you? Holy rollers. Badabing.

Laura said...

I do believe the Good Lord was quite annoyed with my previous comment, because he sent forth a giant thunderstorm shortly afterward. I was just about to leave to go back to Home Depot again. I'm waiting for it to subside.
(and yes, I'm on a battery operated laptop..)

"Go Forth," he said, "and repaint no more."

threecollie said...

What's primer?

ArtfulSub said...

Hilarious! But a MUCH wiser person with the initials JC said that first. Jimmy Carter merely quoted it.

Don't forget to enter the MUTE MONDAY photo-contest!!


Susan said...

You really should write professionally, if you don't already. The world could use your humor! :-)

Floridacracker said...

I'm only human.

Sherwin Williams? Wasn't he a paint saint?
Yowza, these paint fumes are thick in here :)
"Repaint and thin no more" ... punch line to a a painting joke I know. I think I stole it from Hoss.
I hope your storm subsided so you can get back to work!

Weird ... all of my ads showed Florida vacation stuff. Yes, I have finished the kitchen.

Holy Rollers! Wackawacka! How did I let that one get away?
Glad I made ya laugh :)

Well, if you weren't so busy growing calves, milking cows, and fixing things, you'd have time to prime.

Glad you liked it.
You have a point there about the JC thing.
I don't know if I have anything ready for this contesty thingie. I'll look.

I don't, but I sure appreciate the encouragement and kind words.

Sharon said...

HA!! You have to laugh about it, or you'll run away screaming. :) My motto is "it will never be noticed from a trotting horse"

Floridacracker said...

I like that!

quiltingbug619 said...

just wondering --- what is this "MUTE MONDAY photo-contest"

and i dido what Susan said. i live your writing!

pissed off patricia said...

Jeez, those are sins? I am soooo going to hell.

LauraO said...

That was just so right!

Floridacracker said...

The mute monday contest is something another blogger Artfulsub is doing. I think it's open to all.

I think your kindness to gophers will take care of any painting or ... other sins.