Thursday, December 20, 2007

Lizard Lecture


"I see you. You know, it's not polite to sneak up on people."

"Well, you're a lizard, I didn't think you'd mind ... or talk."

"That's because YOU are relatively new around here."

"Dude, I've owned PFHQ for 21 years."

"I'm not a "dude" and I was speaking of the big picture. Could you move to the other side of my stump, I'm in midbask and I really shouldn't move yet."



"How's this"

"That's better. Look, I've been meaning to talk with you, but you're always chasing me around my stump with that camera of yours."

"I'm all ears, what's on your mind?"

"Yes, I noticed those, but I want to talk about your stewardship of PFHQ. I don't want to sound ungrateful ... we really appreciate the woods, the brushpiles, the bug laden (yum!) unkempt yard ..."

"Well, thanks. I try to ..."

"Okay, you're interrupting me."

"Sorry"


"Now pay close attention ... we appreciate those things, but you have to stop burning this stump!"

"I did think of you when I burned it. I started the fire small on one side so you could sense it and move to the fallen trunk section. It's huge and I'm not going to burn it"

"That's all tres considerate of you, but this tall stump is where I watch over my domain ... not that low log on the ground."

"Okay, but you didn't get burned so what's the fuss about?"

"I'm not fussing, I'm explaining."



"Come closer and look at me. What color am I?"

"You are mostly grey with makings that match oak bark perfectly. I've always admired your cryptic coloration patterns. You guys vanish on oak trees. Oh ..."

"Exactly, and what color is my stump NOW?"

"Um, black."

"Are you starting to catch on? You've turned my secret basking spot into an "EAT AT JOE'S" sign for every hawk, swallowtail kite, and shrike in the neighborhood."

"Oopsie."


"I'm not an anole you know. I can't magically switch on some chromatophores and change color ... showoffs, even they can't do black."

"I didn't think."

"Obviously. What's your hurry anyway? Doesn't your little fleet of SUV's produce enough carbon without unnecessarily burning this stump?"

"Ouch! Don't dis the JEEP lizard."

"Truth hurts. Look, all I'm saying is, would it kill you to leave this stump alone?

"No, I'm sorry ... I was meddling wasn't I? It's really not in the way of anything. "

"No, but you are."

"What?"

"You're blocking my sun and I need to finish my beauty bask."




18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Too funny FC- Hey You know who is wondering why you haven't commented on his trip to you know where? He's coming home tomorrow, yea!

dani813 said...

Those guys are just the coolest!!! Wished we had them a little farther south. I'd have a breeding tank set up in a heartbeat.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you paint the tree stump orange and blue so he can change colors for basketball season... (g)


;)

Laura - VitaminSea

Mark said...

We used to have lizards. Colorful little things. I loved them. Unfortunately, so do the cats. Now we don't have so many.

SwampAngel65 said...

Wise lizard! Can he explain why some of his distant relatives, the geckos, are constantly trying to get into my house? Are they implying there are more insects INSIDE my house that outside? And why do they teach their young to try to blend in with my tube of toothpaste? Do geckos get a sick enjoyment out of scaring humans?!?

robin andrea said...

That is the coolest lizard. A slight attitude, perhaps, but very smart and quite the conversationalist. Have you named her?

threecollie said...

Too funny!

Hurricane Teen said...

Oooooh, lizard lectures are the WORST of them all! You ought to hear what they used to say to me when I caught them in jars for fun. I won't repeat it on here, but it was new material to my young ears!! And that LOOK they give you?! Ooooh!

Sharon said...

ROFL!! :)

Wren said...

So knock it off with the stump burning already. If you want to offer the hawks a smorgasbord, put up a bird feeder like the rest of us.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

When did lizards get the idee they can get beauty? Yeesh!

ArtfulSub said...

Uhmmmmmm. 3 out of 5 lizard Psychiatrists say....

Floridacracker said...

Lightnin,
Went there did that.

Dani,
Fence lizards really are neat critters. Very confident in their camo.

Laura,
Shhhhh ... she would do that.
Hey, I can not comment on your site ... for at least a week, I've been blocked for some reason.
Just wanted you to know, I read it each day.

Mark,
Yeah, it's one of my main cat complaints ... predatory overdrive.

Swampangel,
Yes, but geckos have the cute thing going on.

3C,
What, northern lizards are mute?

HTeen,
Being put in a jar ... probably minus half your tail ... I'd swear too.

Sharon,
:)

Wren,
Why didn't I think of that? Maybe it was the price of birdseed lately.


Hoss,
The boy lizards will tell them anything they want to hear.
But you already knew that ;)


Artful,
Is the shrink for me or the lizard?

amarkonmywall said...

I'm laughing at Robin Andrea's comment. And frankly, I think the lizard looks rather like a shrink. I enjoyed your conversation. I was by yesterday for the sci-fi; War of the Worlds and Journey to the Center of the Earth were favorite books of mine when I was in 6th grade.

I was still trying to figure out how you were burning that stump and hadn't gotten to the why yet, but I'm with Wren- just stop that.

Alan said...

The mushrooms.

You need a better i.d. book for fungi.

They are not what you thought they were...

.....Alan {laughing}

Alan said...

Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are. :)

Just noticed - back to back posts by an "Alan" who spells their name correctly. Awesome.

Mrs Mecomber said...

I'm stunned that he didn't ask you about your car insurance. Or motorcycle insurance.

Floridacracker said...

Vicki,
I have stopped my stump meddling.
I think we should name this lizard Robin. As she said, it's very smart,a good conversationalist, and has a slight attitude.
:)
Robin, yeah ... I like that.


Alan#1,
Took me a minute, but I got it. No, I don't gather cow pasture mushrooms so it couldn't be that ...

Alan#2,
That was pretty awesome, Welcome to PF!

Mrs Mc,
This is Florida, lizards don't sell insurance, they CANCEL IT!
:)